Changed
by zaileia
Summary: I didn't want this. I didn't want to change. But we can't always get what we want...
1. Chapter 1

I didn't want this.

I didn't want to change.

I didn't want to go on.

I could have ended my existence many times in all of my lives, but I kept on living for you. For all of you.

Over the centuries I came to believe I was important, that I was a force for good in an often cold and cruel universe. I believed that I mattered. That I was needed.

It would be selfish of me to die and leave the universe unprotected.

But when my time came, my final battle, I welcomed the end and hoped for peace. I had lived twelve lives, and my time was up.

She had other ideas.

My impossible girl.

So I lived once more, for her. A thirteenth lifetime that I thought I had cheated my way out of when I was a different man.

One more life was all I planned to have, all I hoped to have.

I was still humming with regeneration energy in this thirteenth body so I knew a change was possible. But after loosing her, the girl who remains impossible to remember yet impossible to forget, I chose to make this my final life.

I had lived longer than any Timelord should, and far longer than I wanted.

I settled down to a quiet life for a while, but the universe called and I answered.

For a while it was fun. For a moment I reconsidered my choice. But the moment passed.

I was done. And I died.

My choice.

But for a second time my choice to die was taken away from me.

I am reborn. I am remade.

And I am alive.


	2. Chapter 2

I want to scream.

I think maybe I am screaming.

Frustration, pain, anger, sorrow, self pity, hatred. So many emotions flash through my altering mind as I fight against the change.

It isn't fair!

"What has fair ever had to do with anything?"

So definitely screaming then.

"Stop ranting like a petulant toddler and get to your feet Doctor, there's work to be done."

"Let someone else do it," I say bitterly, my voice hoarse and unfamiliar.

"Who else is there? You made yourself invaluable to the universe, don't pretend you don't like playing the saviour. Saviours don't get to be martyrs, now pull yourself together and get up."

I think I know the voice of my tormentor but I don't care to guess. I don't care to do anything but die.

My whole body is buzzing, every cell feels new and strange, but I shut my mind and try not to feel it.

I force my mind to ignore how the ground feels strange against my chest, and how my hair clings to my chin. I don't want to know, I don't want to be this new person. This person who stole my death from me.

The doctor should be dead.

I killed him. I chose to end his life. This new person I am should not be The Doctor. I refuse to let that choice be taken from me, and if I have to live on once more then it will not be as him. I will not be a pawn anymore. My decision stands.

The Doctor is dead.


	3. Chapter 3

I push my hands into the damp grass and force my body to its knees.

This body is different somehow, unlike the others in some as yet undiscovered way. Appropriate since I have severed my ties with those bodies.

Who I am now is new.

I will make them all regret forcing this life upon me. I will be so unforgiving and terrible that they will take back their sin and give me the peace I so desperately want.

Resolute in my anger I raise my eyes to meet my first victim.

I don't know who I expected to see.

A gallifreyan official perhaps? Clara? Me? Or me, another encounter with a Doctor of days gone by? Even Missy would have made more sense.

Anyone would have been more expected than the face of Bill Potts.

"You can't be her, so I'd start running if I were you," I said, pain and anger swelling in my hearts, "because as cruel as it is to force this life upon me it is a truly sadistic move to do it wearing her face."

The face of Bill Potts started with surprise, feigning hurt in an undeniably convincing way.

"What?" She stuttered, "Doctor it's me!"

"Do not call me that," I growled. Even amidst my fog of anger I noticed with some annoyance how much less threatening I sounded without my deep Scottish drawl.

And there definitely was something strange about this new voice.

It was smoother somehow. The tone softer even when full of hate.

"I don't understand," the Bill lookalike said, "you are The Doctor. I saw you regenerate."

"You saw me _change,_ " I snarled.

And without any further word or care, I turned on my heel and walked away into the forest.


	4. Chapter 4

Alone but for the trees and the barely sentient creatures of the forest I allowed myself to look.

My hands were younger, unblemished and unused. Smaller than I was used to, but not by much.

My clothes hung off my body loosely, but didn't feel comically large. And the bottoms of my trousers only just touched the ground, which meant I was still tall.

That was good, I like being tall.

I shook my head as if trying to dislodge the thought. I wasn't going to get to know this body, it wouldn't be around for long.

In doing so I felt my hair in my face. It was longer, and now that I looked closer, terribly blonde.

"Never ginger," I muttered.

My voice.

The clues were all there, I should have noticed sooner I suppose. But then I never did pay much attention to these things.

This body was female.

But that was of no consequence to the matter at hand.

I searched in my pockets for my sonic screwdriver, finding it in my right jacket pocket.

It didn't feel comfortable in my hand anymore as I scanned the area.

Another sign I wasn't The Doctor anymore.

I found the energy resonance I wanted, then allowed the tool to drop unceremoniously to the ground as I walked away.

I wouldn't be needing it anymore


	5. Chapter 5

My destination was unspectacular as far as places of great disaster go. But then most places are I suppose until said disaster strikes. It is the incident that charges the emotional residue in places of great sorrow. The echo cannot exist before the explosion.

Except for my people it can, a small voice reminded me in the back of my head.

I chose to ignore it. The consequence of failure too much to handle.

"Don't," said a wrecked voice behind me.

The imposter.

"You should have left me," I told her, "I didn't ask for this, and I don't accept it."

"I never took you for a misogynist," the clone Bill said, "you change into a woman and suddenly you'd rather be dead?"

"Don't be ridiculous," I almost laughed, "Bill would know better."

"I AM Bill," she screamed, "How can you not see it? Why won't you?"

"Because then I'd have hope!" I shouted.

And then my walls cracked.

"Hope is what saved me, it's how I saved you," the very convincing Bill said, daring to step forward, "please Doctor, please believe in me."

"I don't get what I want," I whispered, "I get used, and played, and forced to fight. I get glimmers of hope and happiness, only to be left alone in the dark. I just want it to stop."

Silence.

It stretched between us for a moment and an eternity at once.

"I'm sorry," Bill said, tears in her voice and on her cheeks, "I just wanted you back. If I'd have known, if I'd thought about it more, I wouldn't have…"

She trailed off, then gave a sniff.

"Who am I kidding," she said, "I'd do it all again if it meant you'd be alive. I would do anything if it meant keeping you alive."

"Against my wishes?" I half accused.

"Always," she said with utmost conviction.

I don't know why I expected anything else. This is what my life has always been. Sacrifice to save my life, so I can save another. It never ends.

Which is why I came here to end it. To break the cycle once and for all.

"You dropped this," Bill said, breaking into my thoughts. I was thinking of her as Bill now I realised.

She was holding my sonic screwdriver, and the without hesitation she tossed it in the air towards me.

And on instinct my left hand reached out and caught it.

It felt….good.

The weight in my left hand felt right, natural.

I heard laughing.

It was such a wonderful sound, light and loud all at once. Where was it coming from?

Of course, it was me.

"What's so funny?" Bill asked.

I couldn't stop laughing now I had begun.

"Doctor?!" She demanded, definitely starting to freak out.

"I'm sorry," I managed to choke out, "it's just, I've never been left handed before! It's going to take some getting used to."


	6. Chapter 6

"Are you alright?" Bill asked tentatively as we walked back out to the forest.

I stayed silent a moment, really not sure how to answer. I wanted to be honest, but the truth of the answer would probably terrify her. It terrified me.

Had I really been about to do what I planned? Destroy myself and everything I stood for in one act of revenge.

It wasn't the first time I'd been so recklessly angry, but to have felt it so soon in this new form was unsettling. It normally took me a while to assimilate my memories and the emotional baggage that accompanied them into a new mind. This body had gotten there much quicker than I'd experienced before.

"I feel… different." I admitted.

"Well I'd imagine so," Bill scoffed, "most people have years to process a change like you've been through, it's got to be a shock."

"Why?" I asked, not understanding. "Timelords have been regenerating for millennia, and it was hardly my first time."

"Oh," Bill said surprised, "you've been a woman before then?"

"This again? What's my gender got to do with anything?" I asked incredulously.

"I guess I just thought, it'd be, you know, difficult…" she trailed off, "I mean, humans have to go through such a long process to change gender, and to have it happen without choosing it,"

"Who says I didn't choose it?" I cut in.

"You said you wanted to die," Bill pointed out quietly.

I sighed, pulling a hand down my face.

Nice and smooth, I thought, no more shaving, bonus.

"I thought you were dead Bill. I've lost so much, I couldn't handle any more. And then I changed, against my will. I didn't want to change, I never do really, but this time was so much harder. I should have run out of lives a long time ago. The prospect of true immortality is somewhat more daunting than the potential for it."

"I never meant to cause you pain Doctor. That's the last thing I wanted," Bill said solemnly.

I put my arms around her and she hugged me back tightly.

"I love you Doctor," she muttered.

I pulled back enough to look her in the eye, and couldn't help but give her a small smile.

"Bill Potts," I sighed fondly, then added teasingly, "don't go getting any ideas now that I look like this. I'm old enough to be your ancestor."

Bill pulled back horrified.

"Eew, gross! Don't ever say things like that!" She said, clearly scandalised.

I laughed, still awed by how it sounded. I definitely needed to laugh more.

"Come on," I said getting up and extending my hand to get, "it's time to get going. And I'm not entirely sure where I parked."

Bill took my hand and stood.

"You really need to GPS that thing," she said.

"Where's the fun in that?" I replied stalking off into the forest once more.

Bill shook her head amused, smirking to herself.

"Doctor, you haven't changed at all."


End file.
